Grandma Ada, Love Jason

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My name is Jason Schwartz. I’m married to Ada’s granddaughter Elissa, and the proud father of four of Ada’s thirteen great-grandchildren.

I have also earned a reputation as the family fanatic, so not to disappoint, I will share some words of Torah that truly speak to the way Grandma Ada lived her life. From

Pirkei Avot:
10. [Rabbi Yochanan] said to them: Go and see which is the best trait for a person to acquire. Said Rabbi Eliezer: A good eye. Said Rabbi Joshua: A good friend. Said Rabbi Yossei: A good neighbor. Said Rabbi Shimon: To see what is born [out of ones actions]. Said Rabbi Elazar: A good heart. Said He to them: I prefer the words of Elazar ben Arach to yours, for his words include all of yours.

I’m going to talk about Grandma Ada’s heart.

I will always remember the first time I met Grandma Ada. Lis and I weren’t even officially dating yet, but I went with her to Plainview to join her family for some holiday or other. I probably said something like “hello, I’m Jason,” and she replied, “I’m Grandma Ada.” And just like that – she was my grandma, whether I liked it or not. Now I do remember putting up some resistance to this appellation at first – after all, what would my own grandmother think if I went around calling other women “grandma?”

What I didn’t know then is that Ada Young’s family isn’t like other families. You don’t marry into this family and then remain an outsider, spending years trying to earn a place. Once you’re in, you’re in all the way. Like it or not. So, while Grandma Ada may not have always had the most open mind, she had the most open heart of anyone I’ve ever known. Lots of room in there for everyone – even our two big fluffy dogs, who she was always happy to have come and stay with her when we visited. So despite that initial reluctance I might have had when first meeting her, I’m proud to call Ada my grandma. Ada’s children are my mom and my aunt and my uncle. Her grandchildren are my brother, my sister and my cousins.

Grandma Ada was really good sport. I used to tease her mercilessly, which I thought was only fair, because she used to beat the pants off me at Rummikub, with equal savagery. I’m afraid I’ve gotten my kids on board too, as we have enjoyed needling Grandma Ada over the years about the many times she discovered, for the first time, that Uncle Russ is allergic to apples, or that charoset can be purchased in a jar. Or about all of the variations she came up with for her favorite part of the Passover seder – say it with me now – “two are the tablets that Moshe brought!”

Grandma Ada was known for many things: Love and affection for family and friends, devotion to her husband, fantastic cooking and baking, stubbornness, storytelling, love of travel, a sweet tooth, Yiddish, a little off-color language, Jewish values, and… opinions. No, you did not have to work hard to pry an opinion out of Grandma Ada. Whatever she thought of what you were doing, she felt it was important to tell you. Now granted, it was sometimes a challenge helping her to understand that telling loved ones exactly what you think of their choices and their behavior may not be the best way to inspire change. But you can be sure that whatever the criticism, whatever the praise, it came from a place of love, fierce pride, and her desire to see each and every one of her family members — all of us family members — succeed, be happy, and be menschen – decent people.

What I will remember most about Grandma Ada is her zest for life. She cried easily, and laughed even more easily. No matter what obstacles nature and age put in her path, she always found a way to live life to the fullest, and share it with the people who mattered most. From joining the band and playing the bongos at Beth’s wedding, to playing the slot machines every chance she got, to coming on a cruise with 27 family members at the age of 89.5, to always having some fruit jells and marshmallow twists in the freezer, to dancing with her family at the end of two Passover seders less than two months ago.

We are so lucky to have had Grandma Ada in our lives. What our great sages have tried to teach us in words, she demonstrated in her deeds, each and every day she lived her life: The best trait for a person to acquire is a good heart. Zichronah Li-vrachah – may her memory be for a blessing, always.

Bubs, Love Ellie

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My great-grandmother had many names. Ada, Bubbie, Grandma, G , mom. But to me she was always Bubbie.

She was a matriarch, in every sense of the word. She had 3 children, 9 grandchildren, and 13 great grandchildren. And she loved each and every single one of them with all her heart.

My Zayde, the love of her life, passed away when I was just 6 years old, and I didn’t know how to comfort my Bubbie at that age. So I said what my six-year-old brain could think of: “Look on the bright side…”

–Oh, it gets worse—

“At least you get to sleep alone in your big bed.” I don’t know what I was thinking then, but all I can think now is that, Bubbie, you will never have to sleep alone again.

I hope you and Zeiddie are together now, wherever you are.

Rest In Peace. I love you up to the sky and down to the bottom of the ocean, Bubs!

Mom, Love Eric (Your Favorite Son-in-Law)

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When I met my beautiful wife Dona, it was love at first sight.  For me.  Not so much for her.  In fact, it took a lot of energy to finally convince her to marry me.  And through it all, my staunchest ally and greatest supporter was my mother-in-law to be, Ada Young.  She had my back.  Sorry Dona, I guess you have Mom to blame.
And so we became a family.  Ada and Jay lived in Forest Hills, and when we moved to Plainview, it was an easy drive for them to come visit, which they did very often, and we were very close.  I can still picture Jay sitting in our rocking chair, with the newspaper and the little nub of a pencil he always carried, reading every article and underlining things and writing notes in the margins.  To my dismay, he always did this before I had a chance to read the paper.  And all the while, Ada would be busy cleaning and cooking and, most importantly, looking after our children…she really was a second mother to Elissa, Lauren and Evan, and that’s how they will remember her.
When Jay and Ada eventually bought a place in Florida, and sold their home in Forest Hills (or should I say Dona sold their home, of course) they became snowbirds and began to spend the warm weather seasons in our home…in fact, that’s where Jay passed away one summer’s night in 2008.  But Ada stayed on, and we became even closer.
Now, you’ve heard about various aspects of Ada’s life, and I’m not going to revisit them…I’d like to take a few minutes to talk about some of the special time I spent with her in her later years.
It partly began with a remarkable event in the spring of 2009: for the first time ever, a female member of my household sat and watched a baseball game with me.  Ada did this because she wanted to spend time with me, and knew that I enjoyed it, and so she asked questions about the rules, and the players, and she became, to some small extent, a Yankees fan.
This all changed, however, the day she discovered The Game Show Network.  From that point on, the two of us spent many evenings together, many hours together, often while Dona worked, agonizing over that most important question in life: deal…or no deal?  She loved that show, but nothing could match the happiness she felt when Steve Harvey and Family Feud would come on.  (By the way, my brother-in-law Russell, the dentist, swears that Steve Harvey’s teeth and mustache are fake, but that’s another story).  Anyway, Ada and I watched together every night.  Once, I remember, she actually began to answer most of the questions correctly before the contestants did, and I turned to her and said “Mom, you’re getting really good at this game”, and she looked at me and replied “Not really, I watched this episode this morning”.
My mother-in-law was a good-hearted, happy person who liked to laugh and to bring joy to the people around her, which she did quite often and quite well.  She will be greatly missed, and remembered with love forever.

   

Grandma Ada, Love Douglas

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I’d like to share with you my thoughts and feelings this day as we say goodbye to our beloved grandma. Ada Young was the kindest woman I’ve ever met. She had a unique way to make strangers feel welcome, and never judged anyone.

Her personality was magnetic. Her laughter was contagious. Her heart and compassion knew no limits. Though short in stature, she walked tall and proud. She was selfless.

One of the earliest memories I have of grandma’s selflessness was from when I was small. We had a tire swing in our back yard and Evan and I wanted to play. There was a bee’s nest in the tire so Evan and I were afraid. Without hesitation, grandma took only a single paper towel and grabbed the bees hive out of the tire, just so Evan and I could play.

I could tell she was being stung repeatedly, but the joy of watching her grandchildren play was more important to her. I will never forget that day.

I am so blessed to have had you in my life. From nature walks to magic carpet rides. From rummie cub to scrabble games. To baking rugulach and telling jokes. Grandma, you showed me how to appreciate the little things in life. You instilled in me Jewish values and traditions, and above all else, the importance of family and celebrating life.

Bubbie. Even though you are no longer with us in body, your spirit will always be with us. I love you and will miss you always.

Mom, Love Dona

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It’s day one without you Mom. I could not let go but I remember the words you said to your own mother – It’s okay for you to go, we’re going to be alright now because of what you taught us. So many thoughts emotions and images are passing through my mind. Memories of The Way We Were. 

This US eighteen months ago when you first gathered us to say goodbye. Clearly there were other plans for you- more family, more events, more love! I found on-line and was able to read to you. The Golden Book that you would read to me as a child that told the story of generations. 
You got to see another spring, new growth and the colors of the sky. The Next Generation of grandchildren will take over but you will always be up there in the rainbow watching over us all. 
I love you Mom.

Tree and Me…

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For those of you who know me for the past 14 years – you know that I have an amazing group of 30+ women who have been my friends since I found out I was pregnant with Bob. I have only met about 6 or 7 of these friends in real life – but they have been a constant in my life through my journey as a mom…

What did we all have in common? We were all due in January of 2001. Some of the babies joined us as early November – Bob brought up the rear as the last baby in February. We have shared joys, tragedies, loss of parents, loss of pregnancies, end of marriages, new beginning and even the birth of GRANDCHILDREN.

Today we found out we lost one of our own. Tree was an amazing constant in all of our lives…and a personal blessing to me. See Tree lived right outside of Vancouver, only a 45 minutes from where J grew up and my in-laws lived.

Tree and I first met in person in December of 2001, when J’s dad was in full swing with his treatment for brain cancer. My new friend came to see us with her beautiful daughter Niamh and her husband at the time Dave. It was Shabbat, and we didn’t get any pictures of that first visit – but it was a visit with a friend that felt like we had known each other forever…

Fast forward to September of 2002…


By this time Belle was born and we traveled to Vancouver more often as my FIL was loosing his battle. Tree was my island of peace as I was trying to juggle my two young children while trying to figure out how to support my husband during this time…Once again being with Tree was like being with a friend you have known all your life.

We spent the day together…and we became family….


By our third visit in July of 2003 we were all in…husbands and all! 

 

And in 2004 Tree’s 4 children and our 3 were all part of the posse…


Our last in person visit was August of 2006…which seems crazy to me – as it feels like yesterday.


After J’s grandma passed we didn’t go out to Vancouver as often. Each time we went out Tree and I talked between visits and during even when we couldn’t get together. 2011’s trip I was really worried about her…she didn’t sound right, didn’t ask if we could get together, it left me feeling uneasy. 

But in 2013 she was sounding so much better. So.Much.Better. We couldn’t make it out to visit her on that trip and I was relieved to hear her voice and really felt her joining me in our disappointment of not being able to meet up…she messaged me: “We’ll get together again :). Am so glad you are having fun!” 

I am so sad to say today we found out that Tree is gone…she had been trying so hard for herself, for her four beautiful children…and she lost her battle. I pray for her beautiful children…and I pray that she is now at peace…and I pray that one day…we’ll get together again…

"Please help me by being support to my family….that is what I want the most."

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For those of you who have been in my life at any point in time over the past 21 years know my Sister from another mother – SAS. 
We met at freshman move in day at AU in 93. We were two first born girls, with relatively young parents (her’s even younger than mine), with much younger siblings. We were 18, SAS had a 14 year old sister JSM and an 8 year old sister Nean…. (I had an 8 year old sister Lolo and 7 year old brother Unc at the time). 
SAS and I became instant friends and we each became additional sisters/ daughters to the other family. SAS came with me often to visit in NY and I spent many summers with her at her parents’ home on the Cape. 
When we graduated from college SAS and I and W rented a row house together on Capital Hill, SAS was in my wedding party and present at the birth of one and a half of our four children…and is Bob’ godmother.
Her younger sister JSM moved here to DC area after she graduated from college, met her husband and settled here. A few years ago SAS moved back to New England, but JSM and her husband stayed here. We got to be not only friends through her sister, but friends ourselves as adults. JSM lovingly called our home the “abyss” ….some might think that is because our house is a mess…. which according to some family members it is…but this was JSM’s way of expressing how people can say they are stopping by SCentral for a short time – and end up staying much longer than expected. It makes me smile that she coined that term for us.
In March of 2011 JSM and her husband G had two beautiful baby boys – twins. It was amazing to watch this young woman transform to an amazing wife and mother. While she was pregnant with the boys, she felt a lump. Whatever the reason there were back and forths and suggestion to come back when she was finished nursing. 
August of 2011 – when the boys were less than 5 months old, at the age of 32 JSM was diagnosed with stage IV metastatic breast cancer that had spread already to her liver and bones.
When JSM messaged me to tell me about her diagnosis she said:  

“Often when someone is sick so many people want to know how the “sick” person is doing and how they can help them. . . well if you are wondering that at anytime. . . now or in the future, please help me by being support to my family (and Hubby) as you and they feel appropriate. That is what I want the most.” 

It has been a long 2.5 years for her family. In June of 2013 JSM, G and the twins moved in with her parents. Nean, her husband and their son (weeks apart from the twins) and SAS all live in New England and have created a support system 2nd to none for G, JSM and the boys. 

This week the world lost JSM…but more importantly G lost his partner in life, K and E, at the age of three, lost their mom, T and M lost their daughter, SAS and Nean loss their sister…Grandma and Grandpa S lost their granddaughter…She was such an amazing, gracious, humble fighter….We are devastated for their loss.  
I am trying to figure out how to continue to honor JSM and her wishes…I have not figured that one out yet.

As for SAS – From our 18 year old selves on 5th floor Hughes, to that infamous road trip to and from FL in which I would not fight with her, to RA training, to our summers on the cape trying to dye our brown hair and trips to crazy NY…to the MANY nights she stayed up to keep me company while I pulled an all nighter…to my amazing bachelorette party, to being in the room for 1.5 of my births…to practicing being an “Auntie” on my kids so she could be a perfect one for JSM and Nean’s boys…to becoming the “fudge lady”…to our present day 38 year old selves (at least for a few weeks/months when we turn 39) she has always been next to me no matter how many days have passed or miles are in physically between…
SAS is such a support to everyone – and she has been one to me for the past 21 years -SAS does not like sappy, she is stoic, she is patient, she is practical, she is loving, she is kind, she is sarcastic and funny…but after 21 years of sisterhood….I know that SAS is bottling it up inside, while worrying about others. 
I am hoping to be able to do something to support her so she too may grieve in a way that is appropriate for her… If that means multiple pitchers of margaritas and making fun of those we love…and some we love to hate, that is what we will do. After all, I owe it to SAS and I made a promise to JMS…and intend to honor her and that promise. 

Lessons, Torah, Sandy… Modern Day Life Lessons

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Attending a bar mitzvah this past Shabbat in a shul out of town I had many emotions that I wasn’t expecting. The Rabbi began to talk about this week’s parsha, Chayei Sarah. As he was discussing Eliezer going out to find Yitzchak’s future, not just his wife, my mind began to wander. Rivkah reminded me of our children’s school, not only was she attentive to one aspect of the approaching stranger – but holistically.

When J and I got married and began our family 13 years ago, just two months shy of this Bar-Mitzvah boy’s birth, we had already had the opportunity to think about what our vision was for our children’s education. We had our Eliezer to help us scout out our children’s best option for a holistic education. Our Eliezer was the many families and even some friends who had already sent their children to this school, helping us gather information about this amazing place of learning. During our past 6 years and into our 7th we have become our school’s Eliezer as well. We have been part of this amazing community – a Rivkah that has not only shown us a holistic approach to education, but also community.

Our school has been our community and family through the tragic death of my grandmother erev pesach 2007, to Bean’s 10 day hospitalization in 2009 and diagnosis 8 months later to our latest health scare in 2012. Our school has seen our children holistically helping, guiding and supporting all 6 of us through learning disabilities, diagnosing ADHD, sever anxiety and behavioral issues that often come with each of these diagnoses.

But the parsha begins a bit earlier – it begins with Sarah’s death – the parsha says she had “a good life” and ends with Avraham’s death.

We were in NJ, where just like my hometown, Sandy brought alot of devastation. The Rabbi asked us what we would choose to bring if we hadonly 20 minutes before we had to evacuate, things that were not replaceable by insurance money (we weren’t talking lives but rather objects). He talked about prize possessions we would take, the family heirlooms.

My mind wandered from Bubbie’s candlesticks and the ones the kids made in 2nd grade to family pictures to the four, individual, boxes we have in our basement that contain our irreplaceable children’s creations for every chag, every American holiday, every topic of education from Picasso to the Colonies.

I could no longer hold in my emotions, as the next place my head went to, was what if Puppy’s box  didn’t  get to be full of all these wonderful things…what if he  didn’t  have a crown from his chaggigat hasidur? What if  didn’t  get to have a t-shirt from star gazing? What if he  doesn’t  get to make his candle sticks for his Kabbalat Shabbat ceremony?

And then I focused back into what the Rabbi was saying. The torah said Sarah had a good life. Was it the life that she had planned? Was it the life she was promised? No, she and Abraham  didn’t  have the land they were promised nor the number of children, it  wasn’t  the vision she had for her life. And those affected by Sandy, whatever their plan was for October 30th changed when Sandy hit on the 29th. In whatever capacity they were affected, weather that was not having power for two weeks, or lost their homes completely. And people had to grieve; everyone has the right to grieve.

Our own little world had a perfect storm on November 2nd. We made a mistake while giving Puppy his medicine, he  didn’t  get 1/3 of it. And the shadow who has been in place to watch Puppy’s every move during this transition  wasn’t  nearby. Puppy behaved inappropriately. A little boy told him something Puppy knew not to be true, and instead of either of them finding an adult to help – the verbal escalated, Puppy then grabbed him and stomped on his foot. Puppy’s behavior was not ok, it was not out of the range of age appropriate, but it was not ok. Even though he has progressed so beautifully, so.beautifully., these past 6 weeks his career at our beloved school is in jeopardy. And now my vision for what I had planned for his life, for his education for his future is changing.
I began to question our Rivkah and weather she is truly as holistic as we thought she was. Maybe Eliezer made a mistake with reading his signs…or maybe history of being holistic with others in the past is not representative of the future. But I don’t think so – I think there are other pressures.  
But I grieve that our Puppy will be the one to lose the opportunity of the future wehad planned for him. It is possible the other future will be an okay one for him; it is possible the other future may be a better one for him. But I can’t seeany of that yet; I can only see the doom and gloom that needs to be rebuilt after the storm.
Our school has such a great gift in our son Puppy as a student, not only is he an amazing kid with amazing gifts and qualities, his challenges, which he does have his share of – helps our Rivkah reveal some of her own hidden riches she might not have known she had.  
“The greatest good you can do for another is not just share your riches but reveal to them their own.” Benjamin Disraeli
So for now I grieve. I grieve for the change in plan, the change in vision, the feeling of Puppy being cheated of this wonderful future, this wonderful community. I grieve that this opportunity to help build community and teach children how each one of them has challenges, and how they can work as a team building unity and support for one another is being missed. And I cry, loudly and often.
But as the Rabbi said, Sarah saw her life as good, even though it  wasn’t  the future she had envisioned. I pray that I will get there soon, for the strength to get there soon and the ability to support Puppy through his anxiety, fear and grief of a future he has too envisioned for himself that is changing – way beyond his or our control. And I cry, loudly and often.
“Never apologize for showing feelings. When you do so, you apologize for the truth.” Benjamin Disraeli

Ten Years

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Today is the my father-in-laws Yahrzeit. The hebrew anniversary of his death.

It is amazing to me that so much time has passed. It is amazing to me that’s he did not have the opportunity to meet Bean or Puppy.

I love remembering how welcomed he made me feel to the family.

I felt his presence this past week, his gentle and kind reassuring hand….

May his memory be a blessing to all who knew him, and to all the lives he touched.