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Beautiful Partnerships

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Life is not always easy. There are ups and downs. Choosing to share your life with someone is a personal choice. and who you choose to share it with, even more difficult and more personal.

I cannot remember a time when I did not believe that same sex relationships were beautiful. Maybe it was the family I grew up in. I remember cousin H and his boyfriend, I remember cousin R. The older generation, the G siblings seemed just as excepting of them as any other relationship in our family. Maybe it was just my perception. But that is my memory from about the age of 5 on, sitting in Aunt F and Uncle H’s back yard, being welcomed and welcoming others into the family.

It is very much how my Grandma B was. She was not judgmental. Very accepting and loving of people for who they are and what they were able to being to the table.

I chose a life partner who believes the same way I do. We believe, when finding love, sex/gender is not an issue.

One if my favorite memories of the kids, when they were little (Belle was 4 and Bob was 5), was a Sunday morning, J and I were trying to doze while the 4 were watching TV on our bed. Bob said to us, “Belle thinks that two girls can get married!” J and I simultaneously in our sleep blurted out, “she’s right!” I added just not in the state of MD yet, but hopefully soon. They took it and moved on. You see it was 2006 and by then same sex marriage was legal in Massachusetts…we were hoping that Maryland wouldn’t be far behind.

I have tried to take the opportunity to point out the beauty of relationships, healthy ones, whenever I can.

Recently, a friend from college received an award for his journalistic piece on DOMA. I was cuddling in bed with Bean and telling her about it. She said “mommy, I don’t know why they make such a big deal about people who love people who are the same gender, it just makes it seem like they are different – but they aren’t, they are the same, they just want to marry the people they love…”

How right she was, my heart filled with pride…it was so matter of fact for her, it upset her that people made a big deal.

And then this past Saturday night, as we were lighting candles to bring in the holiday of Shavuot, Belle was asking why I got to light 2 candles and the kids only 1.

J explained to her that girls light one before they are married for themselves, and two after- one for themselves and one for their husband. Without a split second of delay Belle said, “or wife!”

Two very amazingly proud mommy moments for me. They give me hope for the future and the feeling that with all the ups and downs of parenthood we are clearly doing something right.

I hope and pray that our four beautiful children will each find a life partner who loves them as much as their father loves me, who is able to bring out the best in them and who can support them in their life journey navigating through life’s ups and downs and celebrating the beauty of all healthy relationships!

New Favorite Holiday

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My favorite holiday used to be Passover, but that changed back in 2007. So for the past five years I have been trying to create new traditions for my “new favorite holiday,” Shavuot. Shavuot starts 7 weeks after the first day of Passover. It tends to be a lesser known Jewish holiday – maybe because as a friend recently said it is after most of the learning during the school year is done, or maybe because only 7 weeks after all the work of passover another holiday is almost too much to think about.

5 years ago we made our way to Bethany Beach – we rented a house with NES (who was pregnant with L), her lovely husband M, and E who at the time was 16 months old. It was a testament to our friendship – can  you imagine 9 of us, in a 3 bedroom house for a week – two of the days being holidays with NO TV or electronics of any type. It is one of my favorite memories.

And then we did it again the next year! L was almost 6 months old and this time with 10 of us in one house. 

It is amazing to know we have people in our lives that we choose to spend time with and see benefits all around! I think that trip with Bob and L really began their love affair. This is one of my favorite pictures! (He wanted her to look at the camera).

Unfortunately in 2009 things got more difficult Bean got sick, and over the weekend of Shavuot we were in Vancouver and Seattle for J’s Grandma’s funeral. And we didn’t get our “get-away.” In 2010 while we got to cohabitate with NES and family we didn’t get our “get-away” either. Rinse repeat 2011 sans the baby and snow – though we did get to spend a Shabbat at NES’s home in November.

One of my favorite traditions from our Beach Shavuot was fondue, the boyz men didn’t like it as much as NES and I, but they put up with us. So while we haven’t gone away the past few years, we have brought a little bit of the beach memory/tradition to our home.

Gather 3 fondue pots, 7 children and 4 adults and you have my favorite ingredients for my new favorite holiday! For the past few years we have done just that.

Not going away has blessed us with the opportunity to add new friends to our tradition – we have welcomed  S and M and Little SJ. So make that 8 children and 6 adults.

And while it isn’t a “get-away” it is nice to know that we have friends who “get” us, accept us and have helped create new traditions and memories for my new favorite holiday.

I look forward to Shavuot 2013 – when it is only a few days past Mother’s day. Maybe we will “get-away” maybe we won’t – but the Minhag has been set – fondue and friends are on the menu.

Bouncing Bean and the Shabbat Bride

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I know that often people portray themselves differently in different situations and children often behave one way at school/friend’s homes and another at home. Sometimes this is positive and sometimes, not so much!

In our microcosm at SCentral this is true with 50% of our children. For Belle and Puppy, they are who they are where ever they are, what you see is what you get. But for Bob and Bean, I can tell you if I wasn’t SURE the person was talking about my child I would think they had me terribly confused. 
It is most prevalent with Bean. She has always been – as I LOVINGLY call her a “$h!% disturber” – with our family, we say they are “messing” with people. I wrote this post about her almost 4 years ago exactly!  I could really just cut and paste the ENTIRE thing right here and change her age to 8 instead of 4!
She is often the most difficult kid in our house but at other times the most amazing helpful accommodating person in the world! It is hard for me to balance her two personalities often. 
Last year, when she was in first grade, her beloved teacher, Ms. H stopped me on the way up the walkway to school to tell me what a “pleasure it is to have her in class” and how she is “blessed” to have her…I love Ms. H – she really is a talented and loving teacher – she had Belle during one of her most difficult years and in my head it was almost like – she was getting rewarded with Bean after having Belle. Yes, it was totally in my head. Ms. H wrote in Bean’s report card – “(Bean) is the most soft-spoken, quiet…” really can’t tell you what else it said as there was no way they were talking about my child. People who are friends with our family laugh when I tell them that story, or people’s perception of Bean at school…they know her, they have seen her in action – it blows them away.

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I fear that we don’t give her as much positive feedback as she deserves – I started writing this post on Thursday, the day of her “Kabbalat Shabbat” (welcoming the sabbath) program in her class….but yesterday, Saturday we had another family with 4 children come over for lunch and a play-date for the afternoon. That can be a separate post, but what was one of the most powerful things that came out of seeing a family that very much mirrored ours in many ways, was how their third interacted with the family.

They described a child very much like Bean (although we have not seen him that way when we observe him at school or at our home), and what the parents also described was how the other children don’t give him the benefit of the doubt, “he will” or “he always”….

That is what happens to Bean. From all of us. She wants attention, any way she can get it – positive or negative. I need to be able to try to remember that – reward her amazing qualities and pay less attention to the “other stuff” to give her the praise she is able to get at school which probably does a lot to reinforce the positive behavior she shows.
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But Thursday, at school – we watched her shine. We watched her in her element with her face beaming

and her truly being a leader in the class.

And I felt it inside. I really did – and non more proud than when J blessed her, as he does every Friday night…but this was different.

She is a gift. Her ability to move and dance the ways she does is a gift, 2 years in remission is a gift. 
This is the picture of her I hope to keep in my mind, the picture of her that I would prefer to present her as to other people, the picture of her that I hope to reinforce with all the positive things we can do. 

Accentuate the Positive

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As I alluded to in my previous post, things have been difficult. I know I can personally get hijacked by things like that…so I am trying to highlight some of the more positive things – not to hide my feelings or truth about what is going on, but to realize there is always a balance – and to truly appreciate all I have.

So in the midst of things going on with Puppy at school, his teachers keep telling me how they are so incredibly impressed with his cognitive abilities. I so love the kindergarten program at the school our children go to. It is a dual curriculum with Hebrew/Judaics and English/secular subjects. 
One amazing part of the curriculum that they have done year after year is the section about artists. This is our fourth time through kindergarten as parents, our fourth time through kindergarten with these two teachers – G’veret S and G’veret M, and each time I am more and more amazed by this lesson. 
They talk about artist like Yaacov Agam, Pablo Picasso, Vincent van Gogh, Marc Chagall, Jackson Pollock, and Michelangelo to name a few. 
G’veret S brought me to the back of the class and said they were learning about Marc Chagall yesterday. One of the things they do is show them pictures of the paintings these amazing artist are known for. They talked about how sometimes artist look to others to gain inspiration and technique before they find what suites them best. The book had pictures from Chagall like: 
 
Puppy’s response to the pictures was – “oh, he must have studied Picasso when he did cubism!”
G’veret S and G’veret M were VERY impressed. I am too. I am not artistic, I know nothing about art, really – if I have a question or need to know something I have Google and NES to educate me on the fly (I didn’t know what cubism was – I had my friend Google help me!). But Puppy – he loves art, loves creating art, loves learning, loves to use what he learns. 
Time to accentuate the positive! To really appreciate the things that he is able to do so well, even during a time when things are difficult on other fronts. 
He is a great kid. Empathetic, loving, bright, cuddly, sweet and artistic to name a few. I know one of the reason art is so loved is that it helps us stop to take a moment to live in the moment and appreciate what the artist was thinking and doing in that moment…even how it might relate to us in this moment. 
Today I appreciate art a bit more, for helping me take a moment to appreciate all this amazing 6 year old has to offer and what a bright future he will have. 

Welcome the newest member of the family!

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Back in December J and I spent a week without children! It was a great week. J and I had to work, and the kids had break. Lolo and Unc drove down on a Thursday night, stayed with us through Sat night when they drove the kids in our van up to my parents’ home. The four of them juggled the four kids for the week.

The next weekend J and I went away to a bed and breakfast for New Years and met the kids and my parents back at our house on Sunday. It was the longest time we have been without our children in the almost 11 years at that time we had been parents.

Sometimes when couples do this they come back pregnant…or thinking about a baby. Not us. We decided we were going to adopt a dog!

I had said for years, “we aren’t responsible enough for a dog.” And at the time, we weren’t! Our kids were young and we traveled often. But as te kids gave gotten older and we watched how they loved and were so good with J’s parents’ dog, Oliver. And then we heard about how great the kids were with Lolo’s new puppy, Oliver….and my mind was set.

I set out in search for a rescue. A doodle of some sort, golden or lab. We researched breed, temperament, need for exercise, and mixes. Our preference was a goldendoodle f1b- 3 parts poodle, 1 part golden retriever.

While the family watched Cesar Millan ad nauseum, and J and I read books….(well J read and I skimmed), I filled out applications and forms and referrals.

But each time we were next on the list, our names were passed over. We have 4 children, between 6 and 11. We didn’t make a good forever family on paper. But we had made our decision, and worse yet, we had told our 4 children!

So I started researching breeders. Making sure we found one that wasn’t a puppy mill or a backyard breeder…one who didn’t cross more breeds than the two we wanted. One who did genetic testing on the parents and line for breed known issues. One who did temperament testing on the pups to match them with their homes.

And we found a breeder! And she helped match us with the perfect pup for us!!!

Meet Cooper (We have started taking pictures like he another child!):

 
Cooper right before he came to us
Cooper is HOME!
 
 
Cooper is home!
Cooper’s first bath!

Cooper is getting bigger and VERY cuddly
Cooper and his kissing cousin!

 

 
 
Cooper and his favorite toy!
Here are his parents: 
 
Cooper’s Dad – Pepper
Cooper’s Mom – Fergie
 
Here is his litter:
 
Cooper’s Litter
Cooper on Left (Gunner on right)
 
Cooper on Left (Gunner on right)
 

It has been a while…18 months!

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It has been 18 months since I last put my fingers on this keyboard. Much has happened – much has stayed the same.

When we returned from our trip to Israel the transition wasn’t so easy. I was worried if I put it down on paper it was going to be real. Well, clearly it was all real, so it didn’t matter if I wrote or not. And then time happened.

What I will say is:

I am so fortunate to have an amazing husband and life partner…father of my children. Don’t get me wrong – he can for sure be a boy at times – but after 12.5 years of marriage – I know and appreciate all I have in my best friend.

Bob is in 5th grade and doing beautifully academically and socially. His anxiety is still high -but he is really great. He can be the best big brother, friend and son anyone could wish for…but when he is anxious or frustrated – the three siblings had best watch out – especially Belle.

Belle is in 4th grade and I can’t even begin to express how amazing she is. She is helpful, cooperative, doing AMAZINGLY well academically and SOCIALLY. Who.would.have.thought? No – not me! Are there times we want to rip our hair out or light a proverbial fire under her tush – for sure, but what a long way we have come.

Bean is in 2nd grade and she amazing…amazingly perfect and school and amazingly difficult at home. She too can be helpful and cooperative – but the sassy-ness comes in and sometimes I don’t know which child I am going to get. You know what they say about the little girl with a curl? That is Bean.

Puppy is in kindergarten – he too is doing amazingly academically – the teachers are thrilled with his reading ability, math and analytical thinking. Socially one on one – fantastic! Bring in an unexpected transition, a class with noise or chaos…someone in his physical space or messing with his things…or a perceived threat – all rational stuff goes out the window, along with his behavior. Knowing how we have made it through to a much better place with Belle, gives me the strength that there will be a light at a break in the tunnel ahead.

I think I am not going to recap the past 18 months, I think I will move forward. At some point we can talk family weddings, engagements, pregnancies (NOT MINE) and the addition of a puppy into our home!

But for now….Happy April 18, 2012. I hope to be able to take the time for myself to write again.

Day 11 – Israel 2010 – 8-29-10

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What a day!

All morning I had told the kids we were going to see have to search for an “elephant.” They asked questions if it was real, what it was  made out of, what color it was – if they were really going to see it. OY – maybe I should have kept my mouth shut!

This morning we drove to Rosh Hanikrah – it is a down that boaders Lebenon, all the way in the north of Israel, right on the coast. It has beautiful grotos and fantastic views!

We arrived at the top of the hill, in order to get down to the gratos we had to take the cable car down!
Not only did the bottom have amazing gratos – but amazing views!
We went into the gratos – it was so steamy we all felt drippy – not sweaty, right away!
It was VERY slippery!

We finally got outside to the “elephant!” I was so excited to see it. The kids on the other hand – read: Bob – was really dissapointed. The sign says it is the elephants foot — to me it has always looked like the elephant’s trunk! He said I lied….it wasn’t a good feeling for me, but still think it looks like a trunk – what do you think?

From there we drove to Acco – an amazing city from the crusaides. The kids had really had it by this point – read: Belle had really had it. It was hot. It was sticky – and it was more walking. Bob, Bean and Puppy LOVED the self guided tour – even if the rest of us found it dry. I think anytime you get to hold a telephone that looks like it was a “car phone” from 1988 to your ear – it has too be cool, right?

Mom and I opted not to go through one of the tunnels and to hang back with Belle (Mom and I do NOT like tunnels!). So J went on with the kids.
It wasn’t till they were out somewhere else in the maze of ruins that we reailized to find them we had to! Thank god by then, Belle had come around!
We had to make the day end nicely….
So we took the kids to their FIRST EVER real McDonalds experience. See, we keep kosher. We do eat out dairy that isn’t, but not meat. So the children have had fish sandwiches….but never McNuggets or Burgers!
 
It was worth the 230.40 NIS to see the look on their faces’ (and J’s for that matter!) while they ate their Chicken McNuggets and Big Macs!

What a great way to end a day of literal and figurative ups and downs!!

Day 10 – Israel 2010 – 8-28-10

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Important side note: Today would have been my father in law’s birthday z”l – of blessed memory 65th birthday. He was taken from us almost 8 years ago by Brain Cancer. Today my sister in law is going to/ran the 2010 Portland Brain Tumor Walk in his memory. How proud he would be of her and all she has done to raise awareness and money for both Leukemia & Lymphoma and Brain Cancer. We are all proud of her – she is truly inspiring. May his memory continue to be a blessing to all of us who knew and loved him, and to his granchildren – only two of whom got to meet him, but non truly got to know him.

Today was Shabbat – we had a lazy morning – but Puppy got ready in his Shabbat shorts, his black dress shoes (no socks), a button down shirt and the linnen jacket that he is supposed to wear for the wedding. He was a sight. So J took him and Bob and Bean who were all ready as well to shul, while Belle and I spent some quality time together.

We spent the afternoon playing buckeyballs, Rumikub and reading. Bubby, Mom, Aunt M and Mr. B came to hang out and play with us.

Mom stayed on for the afternoon and a while later J and A came. They are the lovely parents’ of G – one of the Shlichim we had at our home for the summer. They brought great gifts for the kids, and we got to spend time getting to know them and hearing about G in ways we didn’t get to see him over the summer.

It was a lovely quiet day! Tomorrow….we drive the coast!

Day 9 – Israel 2010 – 8-27-2010

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We promised the kids a lazier day. – And boy did they get it!!

J and Bean went out shopping for Shabbat in the morning. The other kids veged in front of the Disney Channel. We have been allowing them to only watch tv in Hebrew. Well…Phineas and Pherb and some other favorites are in Hebrew. It is fantastic!!

FINALLY, at 2pm we left for the Hertzelyia Beach. Having been to Tel-Aviv and Netanya already – we needed to check out a third.

It was heavy surf – but a great sandbar!
We had to stay to a certain area as the surf was really rough. But there was a sandbar – which made it pretty cool.

Belle did great at jumping the waves!
As soon as the wave passed – it was below her waist!

Puppy was just happy to be in the water

Bob wasn’t really happy about not being allowed out farther. He kept pushing the limits and saying it wasn’t fun. He looked like he was having fun to me!!

Bob went farther out!
J even showed Bob how to jump into the water to ride the wave. And then J lost his prescription sunglasses in the Mediterranean Sea!
J is gone…and so are his sunglasses!

They spent the next long while looking for his glasses!

He even found a pair!! …..They just weren’t his (he thought they were at first!)!
Thank god for Mom!! She spent time with the kids in the sand…something I absolutely HATE to do.
But the kids love it!!

At the end – J said goodbye to his glasses at sea. And we went home to make Shabbat dinner!
Cousin S and her boys Ld and U joined us – with Aunt M and Mr. B and Bubby. What a great way to bring in Shabbat!

Day 8 – Israel 2010 – 8-26-2010

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Important side note: Today is Unc’s 24th Birthday. I remember the day he was born – the day our world changed by the addition of the one we called “The Boy.” Sweet kid, tough start – but he was my baby. All those nights he cried and cried – Mom and Dad had just had it since it was so often….and every night….I would sneak into his room (I was 11) take him out of his crib….and rock him to sleep. We bonded. I love that boy. Always have – always will be my baby…no matter how many of my own I have. Love you Unc – you are the best brother or uncle anyone could ask for!! (Don’t worry; you aren’t old – even if I was married at your age!)

Today we got up and drove to Bereishit – Genesis, to have a visit with Avram in his tent. When we first arrived we saw all of the camels! The kids just LOVED them – and love sitting and watching them…and taking pictures of them – (we have almost 100!) And taking pictures of their poop – god help me…promise, I’m not posting those!!

Bob took one for the blog – he said we don’t post faces! ROFLMAO

After we were greeted by the camels, we were greeted by Eliezer, Avram’s servant. He brought us into the top building and gave us a history of where Avram had traveled from – Ur – present day Iraq, to Haran – present day Turkey, to C’Naan – present day Israel.

We then loaded about half the group onto the camels for a walk down to Avram’s tent. J and Bob, Puppy and Mom went on first.

Some traveled by camel – others of us walked down the nice wide path!

View from Avram’s tent!

Once we got down to Avram’s tent – we were greeted by “Avram” who served us water and dried fruits.

Belle even got to do a demonstration with Avram!

Then! It seemed as though Avram’s nephew Lot took all the pita Avram was planning on serving us….SOOO he invited us to make our own with him.

Then Avram backed them for us!

After we ate our pita – it was time for the other half of the guests to camel ride back to the top of the hill. That left me, Bean and Belle.

Belle gets the front of the white beauty!
Bean and I had our turn – the camel behind loved to scratch its ear on Beans leg!

BUT…for some reason we didn’t return the way we came down….remember that wide path? Nope – we took the short cut around the side of the mountain!!

OK – it doesn’t look as deep from here – but I’m telling you!
View from my camel….looking straight down!
Where is that path!?!?

After our experience – we went to Ben Yehuda Street in Jerusalem for lunch and some shopping. We came away with a jackpot of kippot for all three boys! The girls and Bob got necklaces. And while we stretched them to their breaking point of a long day. They really did quite well. And were thrilled to return for a BBQ at the S’s house!

Back to Ra’anana and a quieter day tomorrow!