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Today, June 5th 2012 would have been my Grandpa J’s 90th Birthday. He has been gone almost 4 full years – but his spirit and legacy are still very much with us, every.day.
As I began to think about this day all I could think of was the song – “My Grandfather’s Clock” – for some crazy reason we sang it in a play in second grade – it was a “Father Time” play. Seems a little morbid looking back – but I remember DG dressed up as Father Time – and I have never forgotten the words to this song.
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| Grandpa’s Clock |
My grandfather’s clock
Was too large for the shelf,
So it stood ninety years on the floor;
It was taller by half
Than the old man himself,
Though it weighed not a pennyweight more.
It was bought on the morn
Of the day that he was born,
And was always his treasure and pride;
But it stopped short
Never to go again,
When the old man died.
CHORUS:
Ninety years without slumbering,
Tick, tock, tick, tock,
His life seconds numbering,
Tick, tock, tick, tock,
It stopped short
Never to go again,
When the old man died.
My grandparents had an amazing clock in their living room – (so happened it was a ‘grandmother’ clock but still, it is big). The sound is magnificent – and the memories of watching Grandpa wind it fill my heart – it was almost ritualistic.
I worried, as a 7 year old, if this clock would stop working when my Grandpa died…and if it did, what would I have to remember him by.
The clock still works beautifully – and I love listening it to it whenever I am at my parent’s home – but I never had to worry about how I would remember him – he is a part of my every day.
He has influenced so much of who I am today, how J and I raise our children, how we value family and relationships, how we observe our Judaism. I know how proud he would be of all of us today, knowing that he had a hand in raising all of us and the decisions we make today as adults.
That other song that comes to mind is one that he used to sing: My Zayde
But Zayde made us laugh,
Zayde made us sing,
And Zayde made a kiddush Friday night;
And Zayde, oh, my Zayde,How I loved him so,
And Zayde used to teach me wrong from right
So much has happened in the past 4 years, his absence has truly been felt…from the birth of E, to RD & D’s wedding, and DR & A’s wedding, Lolo’s graduation from graduate school, DR & DL’s graduations from law school, JP on Broadway, JP’s engagement to A, Lolo’s engagement to P, Unc on birthright, Bob and Belle learning to read Torah, all the teeth that have been lost and so many other everyday happenings where we would love to just pick up the phone and share it with him…
Happy Birthday George. We love you and we miss you everyday – but we know you are watching over us and all we do. From the tick-tock of the clock to kiddush Friday night and everything in between, you are a part of us and we are your amazing legacy.
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| Grandpa and me 1975 |
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| Grandma, Grandpa and Me 1977 |
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Eulogy I gave at Grandpa’s Funeral – 8-15-08
Life is not always easy. There are ups and downs. Choosing to share your life with someone is a personal choice. and who you choose to share it with, even more difficult and more personal.
I cannot remember a time when I did not believe that same sex relationships were beautiful. Maybe it was the family I grew up in. I remember cousin H and his boyfriend, I remember cousin R. The older generation, the G siblings seemed just as excepting of them as any other relationship in our family. Maybe it was just my perception. But that is my memory from about the age of 5 on, sitting in Aunt F and Uncle H’s back yard, being welcomed and welcoming others into the family.
It is very much how my Grandma B was. She was not judgmental. Very accepting and loving of people for who they are and what they were able to being to the table.
I chose a life partner who believes the same way I do. We believe, when finding love, sex/gender is not an issue.
One if my favorite memories of the kids, when they were little (Belle was 4 and Bob was 5), was a Sunday morning, J and I were trying to doze while the 4 were watching TV on our bed. Bob said to us, “Belle thinks that two girls can get married!” J and I simultaneously in our sleep blurted out, “she’s right!” I added just not in the state of MD yet, but hopefully soon. They took it and moved on. You see it was 2006 and by then same sex marriage was legal in Massachusetts…we were hoping that Maryland wouldn’t be far behind.
I have tried to take the opportunity to point out the beauty of relationships, healthy ones, whenever I can.
Recently, a friend from college received an award for his journalistic piece on DOMA. I was cuddling in bed with Bean and telling her about it. She said “mommy, I don’t know why they make such a big deal about people who love people who are the same gender, it just makes it seem like they are different – but they aren’t, they are the same, they just want to marry the people they love…”
How right she was, my heart filled with pride…it was so matter of fact for her, it upset her that people made a big deal.
And then this past Saturday night, as we were lighting candles to bring in the holiday of Shavuot, Belle was asking why I got to light 2 candles and the kids only 1.
J explained to her that girls light one before they are married for themselves, and two after- one for themselves and one for their husband. Without a split second of delay Belle said, “or wife!”
Two very amazingly proud mommy moments for me. They give me hope for the future and the feeling that with all the ups and downs of parenthood we are clearly doing something right.
I hope and pray that our four beautiful children will each find a life partner who loves them as much as their father loves me, who is able to bring out the best in them and who can support them in their life journey navigating through life’s ups and downs and celebrating the beauty of all healthy relationships!
My favorite holiday used to be Passover, but that changed back in 2007. So for the past five years I have been trying to create new traditions for my “new favorite holiday,” Shavuot. Shavuot starts 7 weeks after the first day of Passover. It tends to be a lesser known Jewish holiday – maybe because as a friend recently said it is after most of the learning during the school year is done, or maybe because only 7 weeks after all the work of passover another holiday is almost too much to think about.
5 years ago we made our way to Bethany Beach – we rented a house with NES (who was pregnant with L), her lovely husband M, and E who at the time was 16 months old. It was a testament to our friendship – can you imagine 9 of us, in a 3 bedroom house for a week – two of the days being holidays with NO TV or electronics of any type. It is one of my favorite memories.
It is amazing to know we have people in our lives that we choose to spend time with and see benefits all around! I think that trip with Bob and L really began their love affair. This is one of my favorite pictures! (He wanted her to look at the camera).
Unfortunately in 2009 things got more difficult Bean got sick, and over the weekend of Shavuot we were in Vancouver and Seattle for J’s Grandma’s funeral. And we didn’t get our “get-away.” In 2010 while we got to cohabitate with NES and family we didn’t get our “get-away” either. Rinse repeat 2011 sans the baby and snow – though we did get to spend a Shabbat at NES’s home in November.
One of my favorite traditions from our Beach Shavuot was fondue, the boyz men didn’t like it as much as NES and I, but they put up with us. So while we haven’t gone away the past few years, we have brought a little bit of the beach memory/tradition to our home.
Gather 3 fondue pots, 7 children and 4 adults and you have my favorite ingredients for my new favorite holiday! For the past few years we have done just that.
Not going away has blessed us with the opportunity to add new friends to our tradition – we have welcomed S and M and Little SJ. So make that 8 children and 6 adults.
And while it isn’t a “get-away” it is nice to know that we have friends who “get” us, accept us and have helped create new traditions and memories for my new favorite holiday.
I look forward to Shavuot 2013 – when it is only a few days past Mother’s day. Maybe we will “get-away” maybe we won’t – but the Minhag has been set – fondue and friends are on the menu.
I know that often people portray themselves differently in different situations and children often behave one way at school/friend’s homes and another at home. Sometimes this is positive and sometimes, not so much!
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I fear that we don’t give her as much positive feedback as she deserves – I started writing this post on Thursday, the day of her “Kabbalat Shabbat” (welcoming the sabbath) program in her class….but yesterday, Saturday we had another family with 4 children come over for lunch and a play-date for the afternoon. That can be a separate post, but what was one of the most powerful things that came out of seeing a family that very much mirrored ours in many ways, was how their third interacted with the family.
They described a child very much like Bean (although we have not seen him that way when we observe him at school or at our home), and what the parents also described was how the other children don’t give him the benefit of the doubt, “he will” or “he always”….
That is what happens to Bean. From all of us. She wants attention, any way she can get it – positive or negative. I need to be able to try to remember that – reward her amazing qualities and pay less attention to the “other stuff” to give her the praise she is able to get at school which probably does a lot to reinforce the positive behavior she shows.
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But Thursday, at school – we watched her shine. We watched her in her element with her face beaming
and her truly being a leader in the class.
And I felt it inside. I really did – and non more proud than when J blessed her, as he does every Friday night…but this was different.
As I alluded to in my previous post, things have been difficult. I know I can personally get hijacked by things like that…so I am trying to highlight some of the more positive things – not to hide my feelings or truth about what is going on, but to realize there is always a balance – and to truly appreciate all I have.
Back in December J and I spent a week without children! It was a great week. J and I had to work, and the kids had break. Lolo and Unc drove down on a Thursday night, stayed with us through Sat night when they drove the kids in our van up to my parents’ home. The four of them juggled the four kids for the week.
The next weekend J and I went away to a bed and breakfast for New Years and met the kids and my parents back at our house on Sunday. It was the longest time we have been without our children in the almost 11 years at that time we had been parents.
Sometimes when couples do this they come back pregnant…or thinking about a baby. Not us. We decided we were going to adopt a dog!
I had said for years, “we aren’t responsible enough for a dog.” And at the time, we weren’t! Our kids were young and we traveled often. But as te kids gave gotten older and we watched how they loved and were so good with J’s parents’ dog, Oliver. And then we heard about how great the kids were with Lolo’s new puppy, Oliver….and my mind was set.
I set out in search for a rescue. A doodle of some sort, golden or lab. We researched breed, temperament, need for exercise, and mixes. Our preference was a goldendoodle f1b- 3 parts poodle, 1 part golden retriever.
While the family watched Cesar Millan ad nauseum, and J and I read books….(well J read and I skimmed), I filled out applications and forms and referrals.
But each time we were next on the list, our names were passed over. We have 4 children, between 6 and 11. We didn’t make a good forever family on paper. But we had made our decision, and worse yet, we had told our 4 children!
So I started researching breeders. Making sure we found one that wasn’t a puppy mill or a backyard breeder…one who didn’t cross more breeds than the two we wanted. One who did genetic testing on the parents and line for breed known issues. One who did temperament testing on the pups to match them with their homes.
And we found a breeder! And she helped match us with the perfect pup for us!!!
Meet Cooper (We have started taking pictures like he another child!):
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| Cooper right before he came to us |
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| Cooper is home! |
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| Cooper’s first bath! |
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| Cooper is getting bigger and VERY cuddly |
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| Cooper and his kissing cousin! |
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| Cooper and his favorite toy! |
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| Cooper’s Dad – Pepper |
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| Cooper’s Mom – Fergie |
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| Cooper’s Litter |
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| Cooper on Left (Gunner on right) |
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| Cooper on Left (Gunner on right) |
It has been 18 months since I last put my fingers on this keyboard. Much has happened – much has stayed the same.
When we returned from our trip to Israel the transition wasn’t so easy. I was worried if I put it down on paper it was going to be real. Well, clearly it was all real, so it didn’t matter if I wrote or not. And then time happened.
What I will say is:
I am so fortunate to have an amazing husband and life partner…father of my children. Don’t get me wrong – he can for sure be a boy at times – but after 12.5 years of marriage – I know and appreciate all I have in my best friend.
Bob is in 5th grade and doing beautifully academically and socially. His anxiety is still high -but he is really great. He can be the best big brother, friend and son anyone could wish for…but when he is anxious or frustrated – the three siblings had best watch out – especially Belle.
Belle is in 4th grade and I can’t even begin to express how amazing she is. She is helpful, cooperative, doing AMAZINGLY well academically and SOCIALLY. Who.would.have.thought? No – not me! Are there times we want to rip our hair out or light a proverbial fire under her tush – for sure, but what a long way we have come.
Bean is in 2nd grade and she amazing…amazingly perfect and school and amazingly difficult at home. She too can be helpful and cooperative – but the sassy-ness comes in and sometimes I don’t know which child I am going to get. You know what they say about the little girl with a curl? That is Bean.
Puppy is in kindergarten – he too is doing amazingly academically – the teachers are thrilled with his reading ability, math and analytical thinking. Socially one on one – fantastic! Bring in an unexpected transition, a class with noise or chaos…someone in his physical space or messing with his things…or a perceived threat – all rational stuff goes out the window, along with his behavior. Knowing how we have made it through to a much better place with Belle, gives me the strength that there will be a light at a break in the tunnel ahead.
I think I am not going to recap the past 18 months, I think I will move forward. At some point we can talk family weddings, engagements, pregnancies (NOT MINE) and the addition of a puppy into our home!
But for now….Happy April 18, 2012. I hope to be able to take the time for myself to write again.
What a day!
All morning I had told the kids we were going to see have to search for an “elephant.” They asked questions if it was real, what it was made out of, what color it was – if they were really going to see it. OY – maybe I should have kept my mouth shut!
This morning we drove to Rosh Hanikrah – it is a down that boaders Lebenon, all the way in the north of Israel, right on the coast. It has beautiful grotos and fantastic views!
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| It was VERY slippery! |
We finally got outside to the “elephant!” I was so excited to see it. The kids on the other hand – read: Bob – was really dissapointed. The sign says it is the elephants foot — to me it has always looked like the elephant’s trunk! He said I lied….it wasn’t a good feeling for me, but still think it looks like a trunk – what do you think?
From there we drove to Acco – an amazing city from the crusaides. The kids had really had it by this point – read: Belle had really had it. It was hot. It was sticky – and it was more walking. Bob, Bean and Puppy LOVED the self guided tour – even if the rest of us found it dry. I think anytime you get to hold a telephone that looks like it was a “car phone” from 1988 to your ear – it has too be cool, right?
Important side note: Today would have been my father in law’s birthday z”l – of blessed memory 65th birthday. He was taken from us almost 8 years ago by Brain Cancer. Today my sister in law is going to/ran the 2010 Portland Brain Tumor Walk in his memory. How proud he would be of her and all she has done to raise awareness and money for both Leukemia & Lymphoma and Brain Cancer. We are all proud of her – she is truly inspiring. May his memory continue to be a blessing to all of us who knew and loved him, and to his granchildren – only two of whom got to meet him, but non truly got to know him.
Today was Shabbat – we had a lazy morning – but Puppy got ready in his Shabbat shorts, his black dress shoes (no socks), a button down shirt and the linnen jacket that he is supposed to wear for the wedding. He was a sight. So J took him and Bob and Bean who were all ready as well to shul, while Belle and I spent some quality time together.
We spent the afternoon playing buckeyballs, Rumikub and reading. Bubby, Mom, Aunt M and Mr. B came to hang out and play with us.
Mom stayed on for the afternoon and a while later J and A came. They are the lovely parents’ of G – one of the Shlichim we had at our home for the summer. They brought great gifts for the kids, and we got to spend time getting to know them and hearing about G in ways we didn’t get to see him over the summer.
It was a lovely quiet day! Tomorrow….we drive the coast!
Just Your Average Adventure 